There is another reason why I was hesitant to leave the house. To avoid the questions, “How is the baby?” Or “How are you feeling?” I️ don’t want to have to keep rehearsing this event everyday. Today, I️ went to my son’s school for the first time since it happened and I️ can just feel the looks of sympathy and sadness as I️ pass through the halls. I️ arrived to his classroom and the teacher said, “I️ haven’t seen you in a while!” I️ was wondering, does she NOT know or is she just trying to make conversation? And then everyone wanted to hug me going out the door and tell me everything will be alright. Fifth time this week I️ heard, “that’s ok. The next time it will be twins!” On the inside, I️ just wanted to SCREAM! I️ don’t want no d@mn twins! I️ WANT MY DAUGHTER NICOLE! But if I️ did that, they would have probably called 51/50 (the police code when someone is mentally unstable), so I️ kept quiet.
It’s been a week or so since I have written my thoughts and feelings, but I cannot hold it it anymore! I feel like I am in somebody else’s body and in somebody else’s life. I do not feel myself 100%. I haven’t even spoken to the God, let alone gone to church. That’s not like me. Nevertheless, it’s just frustrating to even watch people hold their babies at the store or see a teenage girl walking with a stroller, or see someone who just don’t care about having their own kids. I feel like I am in a big comedy skit and I am the punchline. I haven’t been feeling my best physically, emotionally, and mentally. I really do think that the cloud of depression has been following me. I understand now how a person of faith, like the pastor the other day who committed suicide... he stopped believing in Hope. Without hope, you really don’t think things will ever change FOR YOU! And yes, sometimes those overwhelmed feelings can be a sign of mental illness, sometimes it’s a demonic s...
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