From Mourning to Dancing: From miscarriage to healthy baby

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The Remnants...

Today is the three month anniversary since my baby went to Heaven. The days are getting better, but now I️ fight with the Remnants. Several things she left behind keeps me from moving forward. My body never been this dysfunctional in my life! I️ just stopped bleeding two weeks ago. After 9 weeks of bleeding, I️ lost weight and iron and felt tired and weak all the time. I️ was placed on some medication to regulate my hormones and now the bleeding has stopped. I’m getting too old for this! Then there’s that negro line going down the middle of my belly that just won’t go away! I’ve put Cocoa butter and other creams, but still nothing. I️ am still seeing somebody professionally which has helped me process through the pain. That’s been helpful. You know as a Christian, you’re not “supposed“ to let grief set in. It means you lack faith in God, right? Well, when you have other people saying you shouldn’t be grieving, I️ kinda felt how some gay people feel when they try to come to church but a...

She was gonna be my Minnie me! Exclusive picture

I️ Was wondering if I should share this picture. Many people may think it’s disturbing to take a picture after your baby has passed away. But this is my last image of her before giving her back to the ground. I want you now that if you are sensitive about the subject it may not be a good idea to continue reading. But this is my truth. On the day that she was born, there were two things tested out about her that made her a dinner good to me. When I was born I had these slanted eyes, round nose and chubby cheeks. The cheeks has never gone away! When I saw her caramel skin and chubby cheeks, I️ cried even more. For the first time, I️ was able to look into a baby and see myself! This is an exclusive for my blog. My angel.

I️ can’t move on...

NINE WEEKS! It’s been 9 weeks since I️ gave birth with no evidence to prove it externally, but internally is a different story. My body has never been this dysfunctional. I️ have been bleeding for the most part of the nine weeks. Poor hubby probably feeling so deprived. Then, this damn line won’t go away on my stomach! It’s a constant reminder that I️ was recently pregnant. I️ can’t move on because my body won’t let me move on. Everyday I️ wake up and I️ go to the bathroom and I️ feel weak and I️ have to take all these pills...IS A CONSTANT REMINDER! How can I️ move on? Huh?! My original due date is coming in a few more weeks and just the thought of not having her at the right time still hurts my heart deeply. I️ can’t move until...maybe never.

The battle against depression

No one in my biological family has a history of mental, but I personally know people who has dealt with Depression, which led me to research it a little more. I am now almost 8 weeks postpartum and time is definitely healing my wombs, however there was just one area that was not healing fast enough and that was my mind. The anguish and agony associated with grief is already documented to be one of the most intense emotions that a person can deal with. But when you are dealing with guilt in association with that grief it can spin out-of-control into a very dark place. That’s what happened with me. I had a feeling that was beyond sadness. I had a guilt that was beyond hope. I felt hopeless for the first time in my life. Even when I lived in a homeless shelter at the age of 19, I had hoped that I would never be in that situation again and I haven’t. But this Feeling of hopelessness was unchartered territory. I knew that if I did not seek professional help, this could possibly t...

What’s wrong with me???

It’s been a week or so since I have written my thoughts and feelings, but I cannot hold it it anymore! I feel like I am in somebody else’s body and in somebody else’s life. I do not feel myself 100%. I haven’t even spoken to the God, let alone gone to church. That’s not like me. Nevertheless, it’s just frustrating to even watch people hold their babies at the store or see a teenage girl walking with a stroller, or see someone who just don’t care about having their own kids. I feel like I am in a big comedy skit and I am the punchline. I haven’t been feeling my best physically, emotionally, and mentally. I really do think that the cloud of depression has been following me. I understand now how a person of faith, like the pastor the other day who committed suicide... he stopped believing in Hope. Without hope, you really don’t think things will ever change FOR YOU! And yes, sometimes those overwhelmed feelings can be a sign of mental illness, sometimes it’s a demonic s...

The OPK is positive? I️ have approximately 1-3 days to decide...

It’s been 4 weeks and although my body is pretty much stabilized, my mind is in a different place. I️ am not ready to face the looks and hugs and questions. More importantly, I️ still need answers and I’m not going to stop until I get some answers. Why does my body keep rejecting babies? What is happening to my body at the time of the miscarriage? What type of foods do I need to eat in order to combat this infection? What type of medications do I need to take in order to ensure this infection does not take over my body again? How much weight can I️ lose before trying to conceive again? I have so many questions, but so little time to get answers because as of today, my ovulation test is blinking Which means that my LH level is surging and getting ready to release another egg. Normally, I would be excited about seeing a smiley face because with PCOS it is very rare that I ovulate monthly. I’m assuming because I just had a baby my body is self regulating a...