Today is the three month anniversary since my baby went to Heaven. The days are getting better, but now I️ fight with the Remnants. Several things she left behind keeps me from moving forward. My body never been this dysfunctional in my life! I️ just stopped bleeding two weeks ago. After 9 weeks of bleeding, I️ lost weight and iron and felt tired and weak all the time. I️ was placed on some medication to regulate my hormones and now the bleeding has stopped. I’m getting too old for this! Then there’s that negro line going down the middle of my belly that just won’t go away! I’ve put Cocoa butter and other creams, but still nothing. I️ am still seeing somebody professionally which has helped me process through the pain. That’s been helpful. You know as a Christian, you’re not “supposed“ to let grief set in. It means you lack faith in God, right? Well, when you have other people saying you shouldn’t be grieving, I️ kinda felt how some gay people feel when they try to come to church but all people want to focus on is their “sin.” I️ hate that feeling of being judged by Christians for not doing this death of a loved one process “right.” I️ vow to never be like that...
It’s been a week or so since I have written my thoughts and feelings, but I cannot hold it it anymore! I feel like I am in somebody else’s body and in somebody else’s life. I do not feel myself 100%. I haven’t even spoken to the God, let alone gone to church. That’s not like me. Nevertheless, it’s just frustrating to even watch people hold their babies at the store or see a teenage girl walking with a stroller, or see someone who just don’t care about having their own kids. I feel like I am in a big comedy skit and I am the punchline. I haven’t been feeling my best physically, emotionally, and mentally. I really do think that the cloud of depression has been following me. I understand now how a person of faith, like the pastor the other day who committed suicide... he stopped believing in Hope. Without hope, you really don’t think things will ever change FOR YOU! And yes, sometimes those overwhelmed feelings can be a sign of mental illness, sometimes it’s a demonic s...
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