From Mourning to Dancing: From miscarriage to healthy baby

There is another reason why I was hesitant to leave the house. To avoid the questions, “How is the baby?” Or “How are you feeling?” I️ don’t want to have to keep rehearsing this event everyday. Today, I️ went to my son’s school for the first time since it happened and I️ can just feel the looks of sympathy and sadness as I️ pass through the halls. I️ arrived to his classroom and the teacher said, “I️ haven’t seen you in a while!” I️ was wondering, does she NOT know or is she just trying to make conversation? And then everyone wanted to hug me going out the door and tell me everything will be alright. Fifth time this week I️ heard, “that’s ok. The next time it will be twins!” On the inside, I️ just wanted to SCREAM! I️ don’t want no d@mn twins! I️ WANT MY DAUGHTER NICOLE! But if I️ did that, they would have probably called 51/50 (the police code when someone is mentally unstable), so I️ kept quiet.

When I️ was 16, I️ had this boyfriend I️ was madly in love with. I️ really thought I️ was going to marry this boy. I️ had put so much trust and love into this boy that he really couldn’t do nothing wrong...until he did! I️ found out he was cheating on me with another girl and I️ was crushed. But what hurts the most was not the fact that he cheated, but the fact that my BEST FRIEND since grade school knew about it and didn’t tell. She could’ve warned me at least! But she sat back and watched everything unfold when it could’ve been avoided if she would’ve just told me. Today, I️ have a friend that has held back the truth from me. And that friend’s name is God. I led with that story because it’s a very similar emotion I️ am having right now. I️ am mad at GOD! I️ feel betrayed. I️ feel disappointment. I️ feel all the things I️ felt when I️ was 16 and that was a totally different situation! But the underlying issue is that my best friend who I️ trusted to tell me the truth did not give me...

It’s already been over two weeks since I️ lost the baby and my body is still going haywire. I️ have huge blood clots that look like small gum balls to golf ball size and not to mention all the blood coming out looking like a Friday the 13th movie! I’m trying to laugh to keep from crying. Today was a hard day because my breast keeps producing milk for a baby that’s not here and it hurts so bad. I️ mean physically! My breast feel like two water balloons at the brink of popping. If I️ squeeze the milk out, then my breast will keep producing and this nightmare will never end. If I️ don’t squeeze the milk out, well, I️ don’t know what’s gonna happen! I’m trying not to focus on it, but it’s hard to go on with my everyday life dripping with milk! In my next post, I’m gonna share my innermost thought about my spiritual life and how this has impacted my walk with God. I have so much to say about that. Stay tuned and if anyone has any ideas of what to do about this milk overage, please let me kn...

Losing this second baby raised so many questions. Is there something wrong with me? Could I️ have prevented what happened? Is this my fault? Could I️ have done more? I️ don’t know the answer to any of those questions. What’s concerning to me is the answers to some of those questions. What if? What if I️ could’ve done more? Would I️ have had the same outcome? All of these questions is making me bitter and angry. I️ want answers. Concrete answers. But the more I️ research, the more I️ find all of these reasons why people lose their babies to Chorioamnionitis. One friend showed me a study that linked obesity to increased risk of infection. So now, I’m thinking did my weight kill her? Another study I️ found talked about various foods creates a breeding ground for bad bacteria. So did my diet kill her?  So I️ started thinking about what I️ was eating during pregnancy. The more I️ dig for answers, the reasons I’m finding that’s the cause of that infection and the more I️ blame myself. ...

Nearly a week after the unexpected demise of my baby girl, I️ receive the report outlining what was the cause of her death. When they do an autopsy on a newborn, they also dissect and test the placenta since that is where all of her supply came from. The first cause of death was a blood clot to the liver and intestines. The blood clot caused hemorrhaging and she passed due to the complications. The second cause of the death was what I️ was told in the hospital, acute Chorioamnionitis.  Finding out the results was a relief. Why? Because all of this time, I’ve been thinking that I️ was the cause of her death. I️ thought that my body created these bad bacterial infections because of what I️ was doing. But actually, my body has developed a colonization of Group B Streptococcus (bad bacteria) in such a large number when I’m pregnant that my immune system is not powerful enough to fight it. That’s why both of my babies passed from complications of that infection. Becoming an expert of a...

Four days after the loss of my baby, the most amazing thing happened to my breast, milk started to leak! For some people, this can be traumatizing and relive their baby’s death all over again. But for me, it was a reconnection; a way for me to stay bonding with my baby. My breast are so heavy, they feel like sandbags full of milk. I️ also have to deal with the pain associated with full breast. So I️ found some resources to help. To Reduce and Stop Your Breast Milk Supply Keep in mind that the length of time it will take your body to stop lactating is different for everyone. Depending on how far along you were in your pregnancy, you may or may not experience milk letdown or leaking breasts after miscarriage. Your breasts may feel uncomfortably full, but this pressure should naturally lessen after not breastfeeding. To  make yourself more comfortable  and reduce your supply, here are some steps you can take to stop lactating: Avoid touching or stimulating your nipples, as...

When you look at the stages of grief, acceptance is the final step. Well, I️ cannot accept what happened to me right now. After losing another baby, you start to think there is something wrong with YOU! I️ prayed, confessed the Word over my baby daily, ate right, went to every doctors appointment, don’t drink, don’t smoke, stayed relatively calm and I️ STILL LOST MY BABY! All I️ can ask is, “WHY?” I didn’t deserve this again! What did I️ do wrong. Who is to blame? Do I️ blame God, the devil, my doctor, that hospital, or myself? All of these thoughts and feelings flood your mind daily. Can I️ sleep? No. My mind races wondering what could I️ have done differently. Her face keeps flashing in my head. My bod keeps longing to feed her. My love is longing to cling to her. She was my everything before she was my anything. What about my friends and family? What are they going to think? Is something wrong with Ty?  Why does she keep losing babies? Is she too fat? Is she working too much? ...

I️ received the preliminary cause of death for my baby girl and it was an infection called Chorioamnionitis (or Chorio for short). It’s same infection that killed my first baby. So, what is Chorio and how did I️ get it TWICE? Chorioamnionitis  also known as  intra-amniotic infection  ( IAI ) [1]  is an  inflammation  of the  fetal membranes  ( amnion  and  chorion ) due to a  bacterial   infection . It typically results from bacteria ascending from the vagina into the uterus and is most often associated with prolonged  labor . The risk of developing chorioamnionitis increases with each  vaginal examination  that is performed in the final month of pregnancy, including during labor. Is the most cause of preterm Labor. Although chorioamnionitis does not always cause symptoms, some women with the infection might have the following: High temperature and fever. *Rapid heartbeat (the fetus might also have a rapi...

It was a regular Monday, August 6, 2018, when I️ went to my OB appt. Everything was fine. Baby had a strong heartbeat and my cervix was closed. Tuesday was a normal day. I️ went to work and felt her kicking. I️ even had to excuse myself from a meeting because she kept sitting on my bladder! But something changed in my body on Tuesday night. I️ started having cramps like a severe period. I️ was using the bathroom every 20 mins. I️ knew, an infection was brewing. So at 3am, my husband took me to the Emergency room at Cobb Wellstar. When I️ arrived, they immediately took me to Triage and took urine. They hooked me up to the contraction machine and tried to listen to baby. They had a hard time finding the heartbeat, but when they did, it was 176! I️ said, “my baby’s normal heart rate is between 136-149. I️ hear it every two weeks. One hundred and seventy-six is not normal.” Yet they did nothing but gave me a pain shot and sent me home. I was in and out in an hour! But on Wednesday, I️ d...