Losing this second baby raised so many questions. Is there something wrong with me? Could I️ have prevented what happened? Is this my fault? Could I️ have done more? I️ don’t know the answer to any of those questions. What’s concerning to me is the answers to some of those questions. What if? What if I️ could’ve done more? Would I️ have had the same outcome? All of these questions is making me bitter and angry. I️ want answers. Concrete answers. But the more I️ research, the more I️ find all of these reasons why people lose their babies to Chorioamnionitis. One friend showed me a study that linked obesity to increased risk of infection. So now, I’m thinking did my weight kill her? Another study I️ found talked about various foods creates a breeding ground for bad bacteria. So did my diet kill her? So I️ started thinking about what I️ was eating during pregnancy. The more I️ dig for answers, the reasons I’m finding that’s the cause of that infection and the more I️ blame myself.
It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting. I’m thinking maybe I️ should forget about this all together and live my life to the fullest. But I️ want my own baby so bad that my heart won’t let me give up trying. Yes, I️ can try to incorporate everything I️ found online to “prevent” this infection, but honestly, none of that stuff is guaranteed. I️ can eat a raw food diet to breed good bacteria. I️ can get surgery. I️ can get antibiotic shots. I can get a cerclage. I️ can lower my BMI. But there are NO GUARANTEES that any of that stuff will keep me from losing the next baby. But hey, at least I️ will be able to squeeze into that dress I️ always wanted (being sarcastic)!
Should I️ lose weight, of course. My health is not where I️ would like for it to be. Is it easy? No! If it was, over half of America wouldn’t be obese! There are medical barriers to me losing weight as well, such as an overactive Thyroid. But no one ever takes that into account. They just think all overweight people just sit at the table eating carbs all day. On a average day, I️ eat about 1800 calories and still don’t lose! I️ have to lose weight under medical guidance. And I️ will. But I’m not going to lose weight to try to prevent another miscarriage. That would insinuate the main cause for my miscarriage was my weight. I️ don’t believe that’s true. Now if I️ lose, conceive and deliver a healthy baby after I️ was able to lose weight, I️ may actually consider there was a connection to that study for my body. But it would also mean that every overweight woman who has ever had a healthy was lucky. But hey, I️ guess I️ won’t know unless I️ try out one of these theories. But trust me, next time, NO ONE will know I’m pregnant. That way, if the theory didn’t work, then I️ wouldn’t be embarrassed like I️ am now. Oh yes, I’m actually embarrassed to have lost my 2nd baby. I know people are talking about me behind my back. What wrong with her? Why do she keep losing babies? Is there anything more she could have done? And to those people saying that, I️ say...SHUT THE HELL UP!
It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting. I’m thinking maybe I️ should forget about this all together and live my life to the fullest. But I️ want my own baby so bad that my heart won’t let me give up trying. Yes, I️ can try to incorporate everything I️ found online to “prevent” this infection, but honestly, none of that stuff is guaranteed. I️ can eat a raw food diet to breed good bacteria. I️ can get surgery. I️ can get antibiotic shots. I can get a cerclage. I️ can lower my BMI. But there are NO GUARANTEES that any of that stuff will keep me from losing the next baby. But hey, at least I️ will be able to squeeze into that dress I️ always wanted (being sarcastic)!
Should I️ lose weight, of course. My health is not where I️ would like for it to be. Is it easy? No! If it was, over half of America wouldn’t be obese! There are medical barriers to me losing weight as well, such as an overactive Thyroid. But no one ever takes that into account. They just think all overweight people just sit at the table eating carbs all day. On a average day, I️ eat about 1800 calories and still don’t lose! I️ have to lose weight under medical guidance. And I️ will. But I’m not going to lose weight to try to prevent another miscarriage. That would insinuate the main cause for my miscarriage was my weight. I️ don’t believe that’s true. Now if I️ lose, conceive and deliver a healthy baby after I️ was able to lose weight, I️ may actually consider there was a connection to that study for my body. But it would also mean that every overweight woman who has ever had a healthy was lucky. But hey, I️ guess I️ won’t know unless I️ try out one of these theories. But trust me, next time, NO ONE will know I’m pregnant. That way, if the theory didn’t work, then I️ wouldn’t be embarrassed like I️ am now. Oh yes, I’m actually embarrassed to have lost my 2nd baby. I know people are talking about me behind my back. What wrong with her? Why do she keep losing babies? Is there anything more she could have done? And to those people saying that, I️ say...SHUT THE HELL UP!
Don't be embarrassed, Ty. There's no shame in what happened. And it never will be. Anyone talking only does so because they've been waiting to finally have a reason to speak. I do pray healing and success on your journey. Hiding the pregnancy isn't a bad idea, not to keep from being embarrassed but maybe to protect your experience.
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